The Unfortunate Vagina

June 1, 2017

So it has come to this, laying on this bed all alone on this cold winter night. I wonder why you’re like this? It’s not weird to play with me, and you’ll enjoy it more than I will. Okay, that’s a lie; I will enjoy it more than you.  What can be more fun than lying on this bed staring at the ceiling; I have a better idea, but hey, you would say no. But in the meantime let me torture you a bit going down memory lane. Our lovers weren’t that bad; some a bit selfish, some too big and some are way too small, a big disappointment that can only last less than two minutes. How did it come to this? Five months of drought, I laugh because I have lasted more than a year before and now I can’t go on. Oh, the agony!

Lover one

The love of our life, well at the time of your life. Your emotions truly blinded you; however, he was good for something. You faked it a couple of occasions, and you can blame me for that one because I wasn’t in the mood. You’ve ridden a roller coaster for that man, and at times I wished I had slapped you. You’d dodged the bullet, and there’s not an ounce in your body that regrets what you had to experience. From only using the bed to experimenting, only to be laughing because you would hurt yourself.

Lover two

Ha!ha!ha! Can we skip this one? You and I know damn well that this was a complete waste of time and effort. The attraction was there from the beginning; however, not intellectually. You were aroused the day he handed you his business card trying to dodge the oncoming passengers on the four train as you avoided eye contact with some women who were eyeing him. You almost fell for him; I still can’t fathom a thirty-something-year-old man wearing tidy-whities, it still creeps me out a bit. I guess a good boxer brief is my preference. Why was I always left hanging? And you wanted to give him a second chance when he disappeared for six months, then asked you to marry me. I’m still laughing as if this happened yesterday. Anyways, NEXT!!!

Then walked Lover Three into your unexpected lap. You should had never told him that he still had the tag on his suit because I could have avoided another unless penis. It took me three tries to realize that it wasn’t for me. You were afraid of breaking him because he was slim and what had you running for the hills was that he introduced you to his family the second time. Was it because you were afraid of getting intertwined with another family that had you doing the walk of shame. To be honest, I didn’t enjoy it at all especially when he restricted us.  

Lover Four

My Boris Kodjoe looks alike. Intellectually satisfying, sexually pleasing, and lord knows all I needed was a little spanking. Your hands held back, his body thrusting for safety, me clenching for dear life. There was no need for faking it, from public bathrooms to his office, his laundry room, his floor, his couch, his bathroom, his wall. Come to think of it; we’ve never made it to his bed. I’m getting hot just thinking about our adventures. Why didn’t we make it? I remember you were still stuck on Lover one. The tragedy a woman still in love with her ex can do to a steaming relationship, the conversations were empowering, and you were his goddess. He appreciated your mind, soul, and body but you chickened out because he mentioned he wanted a committed relationship. And what did you do, you ran back into the arms of lover one waiting for him to rape the little human you had left in you.

My sweet owner, you pretended that I didn’t notice that you became cold and empty, only pleasing someone who had no respect for you and was telling you lies that you damn well knew were the lies the devil spat at his disciples. Then he started to date his ex before you; you were hurt, surprised me a bit since you were screening most of your emotions. Yet, you were allowing him to penetrate ME. Your cold heart accepted it as if he was your knight on a white horse. Your feelings became too heavy for you to bear, so I decided to have some fun. Why am I stuck fucking this prick when I can find satisfaction elsewhere. Though Lover three went back to Atlanta and you were not ready to move and playing the cat & mouse game with him no longer enticed him.

Lover Five

On a chilly summer night, the air smells like salt, the stars shining down on us. First, we started with a dance, I was already quivering with need, you seemed tired, but I needed my quick fix. A walk on the beach turns into an unforgettable night, from the beach chairs to his car. Child, I think I had gone and lost my mind because this is crazy to me. Heat, passion, sweat, can we go home now. It was fun while it lasted, but all I want to do right now is sleep. Our dog almost gave us away walking home at 4 AM when we had a flight at 6 AM. Strange, I don’t remember you taking a shower before getting on that plane.

Lover Six

Mr. Suave with a son. If I recall correctly, he wanted to impregnate you; talk about no shame. I will admit he was fun, a gentleman at that and he was practically married to his job. A jealous individual who wanted to do everything that we were uncomfortable doing. He started eating healthy for you; started going to the gym for you, but all he ever wanted was me. He didn’t want to get to know us as a whole; that we were allergic to latex, but we endure it to be safe and avoid unplanned pregnancies or STDs. He didn’t wish to know the drama that went down at work between you and the wicked witch of the east. He didn’t want to know how your family was doing nor did he want to know the history behind your scars. Nevertheless, he was a great quickie partner when in need. SO WHY AREN’T WE CALLING HIM NOW?

Lover Seven

Are you really not going to have someone help us out tonight? Since you’re not, you can always pick up that toy I got you that you still can’t seem to use. I think you purposely didn’t buy batteries to avoid using Mr. Damien; wait, does it need batteries? Big Boss G5 Vibrator manufactured by none other than the Germans. It’s “realistically shaped shaft with raised texture and a prominent head for G-spot stimulation. You’ll mostly feel the intensity in the shaft and not as much in the handle.” Hehehehe, I’m too giddy right now. Can we please use it just once more? Wait…where did you put it?


Lover Eight

Let me think now–He was too big, way too big to the point that when we were done, you couldn’t breathe and had to hold your chest to find air.  He was a sweaty individual; so funny when you almost screamed because his sweat dripped in your mouth “ew, ew, ew, it got in my mouth…stop, stop, let’s stop” one of the best night of my life. I can’t stop laughing. I need to pee!

You’ve been sitting on this toilet for a while now sweetheart; did you fall asleep on me?  Come on, our bed isn’t that far, just open your eyes because you’re prone to hurt yourself with your eyes closed.

It’s always the same routine with you. Get up, get ready, speed out the door, your head in a book but trust me I see. Every good-looking specimen on this two train can’t touch me (side eye), but Jesus, father god, look at them. Those eyes, those big broad shoulders, those muscles, those lips; Ummm I wonder what he can do with them. Can you just ask him to touch his beard, no his hair, Oh my just pick one. Now how did that feel? Can we touch more?

Another night, another excruciating night on this heavenly mattress that would feel so much better if there was a second person with us. If you keep this up, I will make your life a living hell until you break and feed me.

Lover Nine

Love is how he looked at you the first time we laid eyes upon each other. Staring at each other at Starbucks on Broadway. You felt your ears turning red as his eyes simply took us whole. You ran like a scared mouse. Your heart racing pitter-patter in your chest, you needed another opportunity to see him again. This became a game for us; “if I see him again, I will most definitely say hi. Yes, that’s it!!! If I see him again, I will say hi. It’s a deal.” You were in Wonderland, the nymphs and fairies were dancing all around. This was a slight obsession. You didn’t see him for a month, so you gave up, and coincidentally we bump into each other in the streets. “Okay this is your chance, say something! Anything!!!! Ummm, this isn’t working. Wait, what’s my name again. Fuck (insert face in palm).” We smile at each other, and he beats you to it, “hi…I’m T. I’ve been looking for you.” (Talking to myself) “Oh, sweet baby Jesus, he’s been looking for us. Now say something!!! Oh gosh, stop blushing, SAY SOMETHING.”

Why are you professional right now? A handshake! Ohh that feels nice–His eyes do something to us, his smile, and the way he bit his bottom lip. Okay, stop drooling.

Date one, date two, date three; we can’t keep our eyes off him. Why do you feel so self-conscious? Is it because you feel like a complete sellout? You see, one thing that annoys me is that you don’t like to confront individuals who are close to you that have negative comments to say about your new-found love; however, you get emotional explaining why you love this man. Was it the way he worshiped you, touched you, had heated conversations with, and took care of you when you were taking care of everyone else but yourself. Or was it because he listened without you telling him why you were mad or stressed or was it the idea of this handsome man finding interest in you that also intrigued you more. How can a ten love a five? He thought the same thing. Two insecure hot individuals who are clueless of their looks and have the most heated type of love.

Our love grew overnight

Why are we comparing ourselves to the Queen of Shiva and he, our king? Probably because it felt as if you could conquer the world or like you were a dinosaur with long sticks for arms ready for world domination.

This seemed too good to be true. Was it wrong of you to feel scared? Was it okay for you to be happy? Love has no boundaries, and you fell hard. At times I wonder if it was just you on this path. Were we too greedy? Why didn’t we agree to a long distance relationship when it was offered?

I miss him. So don’t you dare be sad because you passed on being in a relationship with a man that could have been our husband.

Lover Ten

I’m not sure if you’re over lover nine, he’s the first person you think of and the last person you speak to. It’s as if you guys never broke up but still lovers; you need to move on. I always imagine you getting slapped because of lover ten. Was it the fact that he was engaged that thrilled you or the fact that his fiancée reminded you so much of your naiveté that you needed to prove a point? We met him at a political event, with his fitted gray suit and boyish smile. Our conversations revolve around the sustainability of capitalism vis-a-vis ecology. Mind orgasmic, but you didn’t ask for his number like a coward until you guys met again and became good friends. Sharing ideas, from business proposals to political issues, his eyes danced with every word that slid out of your mouth. He loved touching our waist, and because you’ve grown a bond with him, you decided not to see it as in issue. Until the night you guys shared a very steamy kiss in that yellow cab going to a party. After bar hopping after work, from Time Square to Bleecker Street he couldn’t contain himself anymore and pulled you towards him and married your tongue for the very first time with a hint of Henney and cranberries. I think four shots of vodka cranberries made you lose your mind that night.

Then came the night you gave in. He knew exactly what he was doing and trust me he sensed my peaked interest when he joined us in the shower.  The wall, the floor, the kitchen counter, you were beautiful. You were glowing, and you realized you liked this new sensation; too deep, too rough, yes hit that spot. You threw your neck back, the tears on the corner of your eye; does it hurt baby girl? Your eyes shut, the room getting smaller, the heat increasing and then I explode.

It’s sad; you realized that this man was falling for you when you had no rights leading him on.

Have you ever wondered how we got this far? Lying in bed alone for the umpteen times watching another episode of your favorite Korean drama. Don’t you feel a tad bit lonely, wishing you at least had a body near to cuddle; however, it’s better to be alone then invite just anyone in your space.

Lover Eleven

Our marathon lover, the mentor, the writer, Mr. Thursday; only responds on Thursdays. If it’s not on his schedule, he will not commit. Your evil side came out the day you had to help him with an ice bath. He was intrigued by the Asian dramas and horror movies you love so much; strange that he was into horror flicks like you. He loved role play and candle wax. You’ve played the naughty nurse, the school teacher, sailor moon, Princess Leia, a vampire, a zombie, and even a banana. What type of fuckery were you guys into? I still can’t believe it, a banana. A BANANA! I’m imaging you in that yellow suit. How and why was that sexually attractive to him?

Anyways, I need a drink after this one. I’m starting to see how crazy you are and that you attract a lot of creeps.

Lover Twelve

Should I even count him in this? Why are you like this? It was funny that our dog bit his arse because he assumed you were being attacked. Why did we leave that door open again? Okay fine, I won’t count him.

Lover Twelve

My Mario brother. Tall, Italian, sexy, dark hair, and dark brown eyes. The way he pressed you to the conference room wall screamed: “take me now.” After working three years with each other, I think he finally had enough and the day he quit, he had to get us out of his system and pulled you in conference room 4 for a mind blown make-out session. Now looking back, you never got him out of your system, and I’m glad that you didn’t accept him cooking for you, come to find out he was screwing our coworker who so happened to have a partner. It’s was funny then when she joked about having you and him for a good sandwich, but after learning the truth, you hesitate to go to the bathroom when she goes first.

This has been an interesting couple of months.

You had your first midlife crisis, and you’re still in your twenties. You wish to find a better paying job; however, you’re not taking any steps to finding one because you’ve become too comfortable in your position. You always seem to have a get rich scheme but too afraid to take that risk; it’s not like you can wear a mask and rob a bank. You wish to travel the world, God! How I wish you could simply pack your bags and head anywhere in the world without any insecurities, to walk nude on Vik beach with no care in the world and not feel ashamed of your leopard strips. You would love to be in a relationship, but it seems like your attempt to ruin any date we go on. You know you suck at flirting; “is it me or are you godsend” really, you seriously need to work on it.

You are becoming depressed baby girl, and I’m starting to worry about you. Why are you insecure when you are drop dead gorgeous, intelligent, speak various languages, have at least four degrees, have lived on your own for about four years, and have accomplished a lot of goals. Is it because you can’t seem to see past that little girl who was teased by her jealous sister growing up, or is it because lover one cheated on you and made you question everything about yourself. You’ve found all the excuses in the book to avoid dating someone and sweetheart; this is getting pitiful that it’s making me sorry for being evil towards you.

You seem to be running a marathon jogging ten miles every night, can I slowly suffocate you later for making me endure that agony.       


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